My grandmother has terminal stage lung cancer and she will die in a month or two. She won’t live to see the biography of Oliver Colors published. Should I blame myself, or should I blame her?
What worries me now is the thought that I might not cry at her funeral.
I love my grandmother. Of all my grandparents she is the one I most resemble. From her I have inherited my fastidious, hypochondriac, solitary, reclusive, woeful character. She is the best cook I know. And she is kind.
Her eyes are blue, and her nose is proud, and her hands are gentle and soft. And she is sad because she has seen her only son, my father, die.
We’ve never been on the same frequency though, me and grandmother. I have never discussed with her personal matters. Mind you, neither have I with my mother. Solitude has created a hard shell around me, and it will take a special person to break it.
A note about crying
It’s easy to cry when you’re by yourself, but it’s hard to cry in front of others. Tears are molten pearls, and for shy and sad persons like me they are treasures. We don’t want others to see them.
It’s not that I try to look though. I am short and frail and have never punched anyone. And I often weep myself to sleep because of trivial matters.
They are big gatherings of relatives… People who, you seldom see crowd in the home of the deceased and offer their condolences to her descendants. I have already come up with a general-purpose reply:
‘Thank you. She was a good woman. And only 74 years of age… Such misfortune!’
And then, for dramatic impression, I shall sigh.
Grandparents die so us young people can live. Not enough resources, overpopulation, and so on. I can understand that and I will get over the death of my grandmother in a month or two.
This event will change my life though. After she is gone I will have to look after grandfather. Responsibilities shall be heaped before the hatted boy’s door, and he will have to leave his attic to take care of them. He shall! And this going out might do him good. He might even find himself a sweetheart…
When my grandmother dies I shall try.