Love is an intoxicating disease that originates in the heart and quickly spreads through the rest of the body. When one is ‘in love’, one wants nothing more than to behold the person one is in love with, preferably naked.
Common love symptoms noticeable in men and women of all ages, races, cultures, and religions:
- restless apathy
- sweaty itchy skin
- chilly fever, feverish shudders
- parched throat, swimming eyes
- melancholy thoughts, constant woeful sighs
- dizziness, giddiness, and lightness in the head
- unsteady gait, comparable to walking on the moon
- nagging pain, as if one has a pebble in one’s shoe
- queasy lower body sensation best described as riotous butterflies doing mischief in one’s stomach
- vivid romantic and possibly indecent thoughts involving a person of the opposite sex, sometimes even if that person is married
Note: The eating of chocolate and the drinking of red wine is known to aggravate the love symptoms. By contrast, the reading of philosophy almost always provides relief.
- Love is a recurring disease. The more one loves, the more one wants to love. Each new love broadens the horizons of love, magnifies each love sensation, adds to the love experience.
- Although the love disease exists in the body of the sufferer, being thus unseeable, one is apt to give love a physical form, to deceive oneself more sweetly. (For the one writing this report, love assumes the guise of a pretty woman in a fancy hat.)
- Love at first sight is tempestuous. Its cause is not Cupid’s mischievous arrows, as myth has it, but rather a short skirt or a plunging neckline.
- Heartbrake is the consequence of . Unrequited love is the result of a defect in the eye of the person being wooed. If the eye is fine, the defect lies with the wooed person’s character: women spurn men out of caprice; men spurn women out of cowardice.
- Heartbrake symptoms vary from person to person. One can compare being heartbroken with ‘feeling like an empty glass full of nothing’ or in more curious cases, with ‘feeling like an evil poppy’.
Curing the itch
One suffering from itchy love should rub one’s body against the body of the desired lover to stop the itch.
If that is not possible, one can also try to rub one’s body against the body of some other person of the opposite sex, who merely acts as a substitute for the desired lover, but the cure will be only temporary, and the itch will likely reappear more intense than before.
The only effective cure for love is found in bed.
Although love’s symptoms are maddening, one must admit that love torments are sweet torments, and love pain is sweetpain, a pain preferable to all other pains. Love is a glorious disease. Suffer well!