…I would be a fat black Persian tom, with wise whiskers and darkness-piercing eyes, and I would live in the Middle Ages, in a lord’s and lady’s castle. I would eat tasty fish, and lap milk from my copper bowl, and sleep and purr all day, and in the night, I would do mischief.
I would sneak under my lord’s and lady’s canopied bed while they make love, and listen to their moans and dirty whispers.
When a wench would be visiting, and she would sit on the sofa, I would leap into her warm lap, and after curling into a ball of fur, I would purr, and she would stroke me and say ‘What a nice tomcat!’
About the witching hour I would sneak into the drawing-room, to my favorite, the quiet kitten of the steward, and I would bring her a tasty mouse and a bouquet of catmint. I would woo her with my miauws, and if she lets me, I would clean her coat.
When nobody would be around I would fart like a trumpet.
In winter, I would be careful not to fall asleep on the heap of coals by the fireplace, so that the servant will not mistake me for them, and shove me into the fire.
In the afternoon, I would creep on the sofa while my lord is napping, and I would tickle the tip of his nose with my stuffy tail.
I would prowl about my lady’s feet while she takes dancing lessons, and I would look up her dress.
I would be friendly with the sparrows on the battlements, so long as they show respect, and don’t chitchat about me behind my tail.
I would grow long whiskers, so my favorite will like me more, and my lady can amuse herself by pulling at them.
In summer, when my lady’s pretty daughter, in her blue dress with the off-the-shoulder neckline, would sit in the garden, reading tales of chivalry, I would jump on her milky shoulder and sit there comfortably. She would scratch me behind the ear, and I would miauw contented.
I would not eat rats, but I might eat a fancy little mouse if she looks tasty.
On inky nights I would sit on the windowsill in the tower, and watch through the window the lady in the sky, the moon.
I would stalk the raven that keeps disturbing the night peace by tapping at the window with its beak, and when I will catch him I will eat him whole, feathers and all. From then on I will quoth ‘Nevermore!’ and my lord and lady will marvel.
I will let my lord and lady and their daughter play with me thinking that they amuse themselves with me, when in truth I will be amusing myself with them.
I would never do anything that might make others believe I am aware of my existence, and I would go on living wisely, deceiving everyone, like all my fellow cats have done since the beginning of time…
If you were a cat like me, what cat would you be, and what would you do?