If I Were a Cat…

Black tomcat

…I would be a fat black Persian tom, with wise whiskers and darkness-piercing eyes, and I would live in the Middle Ages, in a lord’s and lady’s castle. I would eat tasty fish, and lap milk from my copper bowl, and sleep and purr all day, and in the night, I would do mischief.

I would sneak under my lord’s and lady’s canopied bed while they make love, and listen to their moans and dirty whispers.

When a wench would be visiting, and she would sit on the sofa, I would leap into her warm lap, and after curling into a ball of fur, I would purr, and she would stroke me and say ‘What a nice tomcat!’

Ballerina with black cat

About the witching hour I would sneak into the drawing-room, to my favorite, the quiet kitten of the steward, and I would bring her a tasty mouse and a bouquet of catmint. I would woo her with my miauws, and if she lets me, I would clean her coat.

Mysterious tomcat

When nobody would be around I would fart like a trumpet.

In winter, I would be careful not to fall asleep on the heap of coals by the fireplace, so that the servant will not mistake me for them, and shove me into the fire.

In the afternoon, I would creep on the sofa while my lord is napping, and I would tickle the tip of his nose with my stuffy tail.

I would prowl about my lady’s feet while she takes dancing lessons, and I would look up her dress.

I would be friendly with the sparrows on the battlements, so long as they show respect, and don’t chitchat about me behind my tail.

I would grow long whiskers, so my favorite will like me more, and my lady can amuse herself by pulling at them.

In summer, when my lady’s pretty daughter, in her blue dress with the off-the-shoulder neckline, would sit in the garden, reading tales of chivalry, I would jump on her milky shoulder and sit there comfortably. She would scratch me behind the ear, and I would miauw contented.

Black cat on the windowsill

I would not eat rats, but I might eat a fancy little mouse if she looks tasty.

On inky nights I would sit on the windowsill in the tower, and watch through the window the lady in the sky, the moon.

I would stalk the raven that keeps disturbing the night peace by tapping at the window with its beak, and when I will catch him I will eat him whole, feathers and all. From then on I will quoth ‘Nevermore!’ and my lord and lady will marvel.

I will let my lord and lady and their daughter play with me thinking that they amuse themselves with me, when in truth I will be amusing myself with them.

I would never do anything that might make others believe I am aware of my existence, and I would go on living wisely, deceiving everyone, like all my fellow cats have done since the beginning of time…

If you were a cat like me, what cat would you be, and what would you do?

17 thoughts on “If I Were a Cat…

    1. Actually, I wrote my piece before I read yours, but if I would have not, I would have been inspired by yours. A cat that could play fetch! Curious and curioser.

  1. If I were a cat, I’d still wear a hat. I’d live on the streets and yet be super clean. I’d sleep all morning, sneak in to a snobby lady’s house and make a mess in the afternoons, steal the finest food from a bakery nearby, snuggle up to a lonely kid sitting on her steps in the evenings and help a witch with her evil spells at night. And, once in a while, I’ll leave a little something I find lying in the streets at the bakers door as a sign of gratitude.

  2. If I were a cat, I would sleep all day in the sun, observing the world from a safe vantage point with a satisfied pur on my lips. But if I were a dog…I would be a chihuahua, in the days when the Mayans worshipped me as one with the gods (if that is even true) 🙂

      1. Oh, cats most definitely do sleep all day in the sun. I had one, who had his own ‘penthouse’ attached to platform at the top of the fence and took great pleasure looking down on all the passersby (as well as sneering at the dogs below). Hmm, I suppose Pepi could be good to play with, but what I really want is to be spoiled like Pepi 🙂

        1. Cats are curious animals.

          By the way, I have heard on the BBC World Service some time ago that the Tasmanian devils were suffering from some form of cancer that decimated their numbers. Their existence was in peril.

          You’re an animal lover so maybe you know if there are any developments to that story?

          I’d rather have it from you than from Google. 🙂

          1. Appreciate the question 🙂

            Unfortunately, the funding situation for wildlife here is pretty dismal – the devils are now on the endangered list. They don’t know what has caused it, but the tumours are a very rare form of contagious cancer, so it’s killing the devils at a rapid pace. So far no cure or treatment plan, though I think they are considering breeding a population of cancer free devils somewhere else 😦

            You’ve made me realise I should probably write a post or two on our wonderful native animals down here in Oz…

  3. If I were a cat I would find myself a warm and soft hideout, far away from the outside world and sleep all day long. And I would ask my cat why on earth she always wants to steal my scrunchies and whether or not she really likes my vegetarian food or if she just eats from my plate to piss me off

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