Probably Dying

(c) ?

I have cancer symptoms.

I suspect Hodgkin’s lymphoma is insidiously destroying my lymph nodes. If not that, it could be oral cancer. My left tonsil is twice the size of her sister. Have been unwell lately, tired, so tired on some mornings that I did not feel like getting out of bed.

Of course, self-diagnosis is a mischievous hobby, especially when performed by a short and frail boy-writer with a hat that happens to have a schizotypal personality. But I have certainly not felt well lately, and the tests I’ve done so far alarmingly confirm my suspicions – I have only 13.9% lymphocytes in my bloodstream, where the norm is 20–40%.

Considering that I live in Romania, it’s not likely that I’ll get a clear diagnosis until I begin to feel really sick. I don’t think I want to know, to tell you the truth.

Am curious to see what will happen to my body in the weeks to come. Has it already started to self-destruct itself? My symptoms could turn out to be the consequence of my still and solitary life, and of my arbitrary eating habits – I have eaten pasta 5 days a week for the past three years. Still, that doesn’t explain the tonsil or the swollen feet. A vitamin or iron deficiency maybe, but it could be something worse.

That I may die at 22 is tragic, but given my solitary existence, lack of friends, unromantic life, and estranged family, it won’t too dramatic. Would have been worse if I were an average 22-year-old with a college degree & serious relationship & close family & thirst for life.

Some dying people have a bucket list. They go travelling to fancy places or eat choice foods or enjoy immoderate sex. The only thing I want to do is finish Oliver’s biography before my untimely end (if it will come).

A person’s life is of no great consequence, much less that of a boy moth.

On a universal scale, humans are a little less than ants.

Considering how much destruction my existence has brought so far, how many ants I’ve clumsily, unwillingly trampled to death, how many cows indirectly tormented to procure their milk, how many unborn chickens killed by eating unhatched eggs, how many ripe fruits and vegetables consumed to curb my appetite, maybe I deserve to die, maybe every one of us deserves to die, and maybe a terminal disease is not a personal curse but a spiritual blessing, a liberation from the pettiness of our condition.

Still, I’d rather not die in my twenties.

We’ll see, but I can’t promise anything.

Haven’t posted much lately and probably won’t be posting much in the weeks to come. All my energy will go into finishing Oliver’s biography.

 

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49 thoughts on “Probably Dying

  1. I clicked “like” but don’t really mean that I like that you think you’re dying. I appreciate your writing. Like it a lot, so get yourself checked and continue living.

  2. eat more greens and fruit and keep living….and get those tonsils checked out. nobody is alone, it’s just an illusion. How many replies have you had to this post, by the way….?

  3. Oh this is a cruel world isn’t it. I’m in much the same situation though I can not afford to go out and get tests done right now. I’ve been feeling chest pains and all lately though I tell myself it’s amounted from stress rather than Google’s diagnosis of blood cots or something worse. As much as laying to rest in a blissful state of nothingness is appealing the reality is I’d also be a twenty something year old girl who’d have no one turn up to her funeral. And if I did well I wouldn’t be remembered for who I really was or what I did or could have done. It’s embarrassing really, thinking of my death passing through the grapevine, of old friends, distant family and school peers. Them knowing of my death and how I died, possibly judging me for dying so young. And then of course the fear of people knowing just how alone I truly was, classifying me as some kind of loser who amounted to nothing; had nothing.

    Sigh.

  4. Dear Boy, you cannot die. If you did, your Aunt would cry, and Prickly Madeline would wither and the world would turn a darker shade of grey 😦 Be kind to yourself (and eat more fruit!). You never know what effect the flutter of a boy moth’s wings will have upon the world…

  5. I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to click ‘like’ on your possible mortality, but at least your works will make you immortal. I don’t trust doctors and hospitals as much as I should do. Then again neither did Andy Warhol, and when he did go to hospital, he died of hospital negligence!
    Anyhow, I have confidence that you shall prevail. 🙂

  6. Vincent, I’m sorry you’re not feeling well, and I myself have let my imagination run wild with internet possibilities. I’m in agreement with all the Mom advice you received: eat more fruits and veggies, go get checked out. Love your blog and writing style, so stick around for the ride–you are loved!! 🙂

      1. Wow!

        Best two comments I ever received.

        For the time being I am not in need of your body-parts, but please be ready, just in case.

        If it comes to a heart transplant… Jessica, can I count on you?

  7. You’re a great short fiction writer. Writers often lead a solitary existence. And when that happens we can over think things. I’d go visit your doc and have a chat with him/her. It may be that you’re suffering from a bout of depression. It can also have physical manifestations. Wishing you well.

    1. Overthinking! That’s a good thought. I don’t like to go to doctors, tend to be afraid of them, but the truth is that modern medicine has saved a lot of lives . . . while it was also doing a certain amount of mischief. In your case — please go. You don’t have to accept any particular treatment, after all — if you distrust it. But listen, at least, and see what you think.

  8. I’m hoping and praying for you…and sending you good vibes to keep any negativity away from you. You’re so young (i’m 22 myself) and so talented and it feels so unfair knowing you’re fighting the possibility of having cancer…My blessings are with you!
    Carissa

      1. Well, i would say your many romantic woes are exactly what your heart needs to keep on beating strongly and beautifully. Take care of you and stay safe and healthy!
        (blushing) Carissa 🙂

  9. Take better care of yourself young man and finish your novel. Find some real-life friends and eat more fruits and vegetables. This will give you the necessary nutrition to write creatively.

  10. Vinc, this may sound easy to say, but whatever it is you have, the cure lays in you. You just have to want it and believe in it with all your strength and heart. Don’t you ever give up, because there is nothing worse than giving up when you still can succeed. And there is always a chance to succeed…

    You know, non of us are fully healthy or happy, nor fully unhealthy or unhappy. We all have our hopes and expectations that make things hard. Plus, nowadays it’s very hard to be fully healthy with all the chemicals we are eating, breathing and rubbing our bodies with… If you’re worried about your life, push all your energy towards changing your lifestyle and meeting a real life friend. People may be very sad and annoying, but we need them. Vinc, you have many virtual friends, who’d love to hang out with you in real life! I’m sure we’d be great friends if I only lived closer. And if I ever visit Romania, I’m sure to let you know and get you out of your cave!

    I guess I could go on like this for long, but I want to say, is that I want you to realize the strength and magnificence you have, and whenever you need me, I’m here.

    1. Trenchant observations from a psychologist.

      You are right.

      I am changing my ways.

      The doctors didn’t seem concerned about my tonsil.

      It could be a heart problem instead.

      I’ve read the Little Prince again this week.

      It’s my new favorite book.

  11. well, i’ve read few of your writings, and rest assured my friend, there is no such thing as death. Your personality and aura lives on. In the meanwhile, try to nourish your body.

    “On a universal scale, humans are a little less than ants.” I like that.

    having no friends, romance, life? You have all that: your love of writing, others love of your writings. If our love of romance and the arts match that of yours, then there’s no greater love is there?
    Take care.

  12. I have been enjoying your posts for months. I think you’re a very interesting person and your life certainly has consequence! How is your health now? Best wishes. Robin

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